Sunday, November 12, 2006

Sometimes

Sometimes, when we touch, I can feel the affinity between us. I do not know how you feel about it, but to me, it was a gesture of closeness, of knowing that someone is looking out for me. I do not have to be afraid that people will knock into me, or worry that I will trip and fall. Because I know that you will block me from any oncoming traffic, pull me and hold me back when I trip.

Sometimes, when you say something, I do not know if there is some hidden meaning behind it. Or should I just take things wholesale as how they are related to me? Am I thinking too much, reading too much into things?

Sometimes, I feel brave and want to just risk everything I have got and go ahead with how I feel. But the moment I think of how the consequence may not turn out to be what I hope for, I chicken out. I cant afford to lose what little I have now to something that might not even be in existence.

Sometimes, I wish I have the courage to just drop everything, and go far far away, where no one knows me and start all over again. But the moment I think of how much I have to do here, I just cant leave everything behind. I have my so many commitments that I dont even dare to leave the job I so so hate now.

Sometimes, I do not know if you are being serious when you keep talking about things that I feel you will not do. Are you just trying to test my patience, or simply trying to get me back so that you can someone there for you as and when you feel like it, and leave me alone as if I am non-existent when you feel not like it?

Sometimes, I wish that I can be nonchalant and ignore all the nonsense happening around me. But I cannot pretend that nothing has happened. I get affected easily, and in turn, affect the other people around me. I wish I can just ignore everything, can I?

Sometimes, the more forbidden an act is, the more desirable it becomes to the forbidden ones. You wish to know how it feels to actually do it, yet afraid of getting caught, getting reprimanded. Is it that feeling that makes the act even more enticing?

Sometimes, you somehow already know the outcome of some things. Yet, you will still go ahead and do it. Just for the sake of doing it. Even if you know that there might not even be an outcome, you will still want to try. Maybe thats why so many people are addicted to gambling, for the feeling of ‘achievement’, when you think that you can actually change the outcome.

Sometimes, I think I use my brains too much (after storing it so well for so long), that I feel tired easily. I hate to think, and make decisions. I need someone to take care of everything for me.

I am hungry now. Can someone please go up to the meeting room and ask them to finish the blardy meeting so I can leave this blardy place now?

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