How? What? Where? When?

Rosie is in a better mood now. Maybe the initial fear and phobia has gone. But still, it lingers somewhere, waiting to spring out any moment…

Someone ever mentioned that I had a weak mind. I somehow agree. I am easily affected by my surrounding and people. When someone is happy, I am happy. When someone is upset, I tend to feel gloomy too. But then, there are times that I am totally unaffected at all, to the point that I felt that I am being cold-hearted. Contradicting right?

My mind is in a swirl now. Undecided, disorganized. I dont know what I want to do; I dont know where to go from here. I am lost…

Can someone come and guide me?

Cross My Fingers... Toes too, If I can...

Today my boss is back. Her being frustrated first thing she see me is not a good way to start our day (or rather my day with her). Frustrated not really because of my fault, because I have definitely tested out the system before, and it worked fine. How am I supposed to know that the system on the other side decided to play punk and refused to work??? I am not know-it-all, and definitely not a fortune teller who can predict things! Maybe I am sub-consciously refusing to do a good job. My resistance is at the peak high now, so just a little spark can have me doing things that I myself do not know what.

Today I heard from a friend I offended over the last weekend. I am happy that this friend did not take it to heart what I did (Since I am here, to all those that have offered me kind words and offered to accompany me through the weekend, thank you all. I love you all so!). Then another friend called to ask how my day was. I felt good hearing voices that sounded soothing to the ear. And not some frustrated, sarcastic voice grumbling and complaining. Come to think of it, I am quite a complaint queen too. Must bear in mind not to do that too often, because now I know how it feels to only hear complaints after complaints, which does not even concern you!

I hope I can leave early tomorrow, because I have hot date and at this point of time, I would rather go out and play than stay back and be busy for heaven-knows-what.

Everyone out there, please be kind and pray to your respective Gods for me, that she will leave early tomorrow.

I am ok

I know I have worried many people who are concerned about me. Dont worry, I am ok.

I will be strong.

P/S: At most quit only.... I think I can wait till yr end bonus... but variable bonus... think cannot tahan liao... money only.... can earn again one... *shrug*

我想快乐

我不知道我到底怎么了，就是一味地不高兴，一味地得礼不饶人，一味地得罪人。。。

那些我给脸色看的人，那些我得罪的人，对不起！

可能我没有办法接受这样的工作方式。专横的人，我见过。不讲理的人，我见过。没有安全感的人，我见过。一味要掌权的人，我也见过。可是这简直是所有当中之最！也许我性格太强烈，我没有办法一味盲目的遵从，我也不想逼自己做我不想做的事。

渐渐的，我发现我越来越没有自我，我发现我越来越不快乐。。。

是不是我太执著，是不是我放不下？每一次我都会作比较，每一次我都会苛刻要求，结果，当然可想而知，是让自己失望的。

渐渐的，我发现我越来越寂寞，我发现我越来越不快乐。。。

我已经很久很久没有掉过这么多眼泪，很久很久没有试过情绪这么失控。

我一向知足，一向容易满足，容易快乐。我想变回乐观，快乐的我。。。

可以吗？

Them

Him

He asked me why I was hanging out with guys at such a young age, and that I should be concentrating on my studies. He insisted that I was with bad influence and warned me that if he ever catches me with ‘him’ again, he will disown me.

The ‘guy’ was my classmate. I was from a girls’ school.

I will not have the chance to be lectured by him anymore.


Him

He asked me why I do so many things for him, even though he did not appreciate it. I told him it was because I loved him, and I didnt expect anything in return. He accepted everything I did for him. And took everything for granted.

He paid me back by giving me pushes and shoves and scars.

He will not have the chance to hurt me again.


Him

We were playing with the little ball he brought with him. We played until the sun went down beyond the horizon. I sent him home. He would come again the next day. And the next. And the next. Until I stopped opening the door for him. His little hands pounded on the door, asking me why I did not want to play with him anymore. Why I did not want him anymore. My tears started flowing.

I will never have the chance to play with him anymore.


Him

He asked my why I chose to be with him, even though I knew there might not be any future. I told him I was lost too, I just followed my heart. I had wanted to give up, but he told me not to let go if I loved him. I hung on. But he let go.

I will never trust him again.


Him

He told me he would be together with me forever. Did I believe him then? Maybe deep in my heart, I did not. True enough, it did not last. He is just bored.

I have forgiven him.


Him

He is just a jerk.

I have forgotten about him.


Him

He asked me why I chose to end the relationship. I told him endless times the reason why – I could not see a future with him. He hurled vulgarities at me. I ignored him. I guess he felt undignified, just wanted some form of revenge.

I completely ignored his childishness.


Him

He kept making promises he could not fulfill. Could not or did not want to, only he himself knew. I gave him a choice. He made it, but blamed it on me. If that was the way he wanted it to be, so be it.

I have no more faith in him.

****************************************************************************

I yearn for love, but I think I am numb.

Ironically, my tear ducts are still very active. They are uncontrollable. They seem to have a mind of their own. They come and go as they like.

I cant seem to take control of anything. Just as I thought that everything is within my control, something has to happen to make me realize what a failure I am.

I just feel like burying my head in my pillow and block everything out.

I will be alright. Tomorrow will be better.

My Name

Today I introduced my blog to Spring-Flower. Not on purpose. I just happened to be blogging when she MSN me, so I just forwarded her the link ; proudly presenting – my blog.

Did I mention before that many people (again, I think not that many people, because not many I know reads my blog) asked me why I call myself Rose. Ok, I shall explain again here. My English name, means rose in Greek. Thus, my nick in MSN, and my blog’s title. I dont any old how just give myself a name ok. Got meaning one ok.

I used to hate my name, because everyone calls it wrong. Everyone adds an alphabet to it, or rearranges the sequence of the letters in my name. Everyone cant remember it, because it is too unique.

But now, I have grown to like it. Yes, so what if it sounds Malay/funny/weird. Its my name and I like it ok?

D asked me what my Chinese name is. I told him it is equally unique and difficult to remember. Hahaha.

I remember in my Secondary school days, my Physics teacher always calls me lunatic, because my HanYuPinYin name has the same spelling as ‘lunatic’ in Chinese. Everytime she calls me by that name, I wished that I could just ignore her, and refuse to acknowledge the name that she used to call me.

But I couldnt, because everyone, including myself, knew that she was calling me. If I did not answer, it would seem rude, wouldnt it? Being the good and obedient student I was, I just tried to ignore the fact the she has mispronounced my name, and answered her.

But now, I have learnt to appreciate my names. People sometimes still laugh at them, but well, they are my names, and I am not about to change them because a handful of people thinks they are funny. So there!

I have a confession to make. I have laughed at other people’s names too. BUT!!! They are really funny mah. Come on, who, in the right mind, will her himself/herself Refridgerator/Fan (Note: Its Fan, not Fann)/Banana/Fish (Sorry no offense. I like her songs too, but Fish as a name is really…)???

Ok… I am just being bo liao.

I think I am going into denial mode. Anyone can guess why? Leave your answer in the tagboard…

No prize for getting it right though…

Life....

Someone finally figured out how to leave messages in my tagboard! Ms HP MSN me yesterday. I told her I was jealous because she left a comment in Bubble’s blog, but not in mine. She said I only allowed bloogers to leave comments. Really meh? Then I told her ‘Neh… got that message box for you to leave message also mah’ She said she couldnt. I slowly guided her along, and she did it! Yeah! Sweet of her, because she knew that I was feeling down the past 2 days.

This morning I saw a ‘Cher’ left message too. For a moment, I thought who on earth is Cher. Then I read the message again, and realized it was Teacher. Hahahaha! She has been bogged down by her numerous assignments, and I think she must be feeling damn cooped up. Asked everyone to date her out on Nov 15, after her assignments are due. OK! We shall go out and have a good time then!

Quite last night, I met D for drinks. We went to Bali Villa (or is it Villa Bali?). Quite a nice place. He told me it is outdoors and the only wind is ‘natural wind’. Ok, last night was quite cooling, but then a few big fans were blowing around us, so I guess it cant be hot right?

We chatted quite abit. He knew that I was down too. So he tried to cheer me up a little. He mentioned that my Phuket pictures had a lot of elephants.

‘I saw elephants. I scrolled down, it was more elephants. I scrolled down more, it was still elephants!’

Hahaha! Aiyah, elephants were one of the first few pictures I took mah, so more enthusiastic lor. I took more, but some of it turned out blur and yellow, some of it I cant let public view, some of it not worth viewing, so I never put lor.

He asked me 2 questions last night which set me thinking hard.

What do you like? (Actually it started off with saying that I was flipping through my Primary School autograph, then it led to saying I had many soft toys, which I cant remember who they were from, so he asked me if I liked soft toys. I said not really. Then he asked the million dollar quention)
What do you want to do? (This was because he knew I was not happy about my job)

What do I like? I thought really hard. But I couldnt answer him. I realized that there isnt one thing that I particularly liked.

Flowers? Yes I like, but I can do without them.

Jewellery? Those who know me will know that I only wear my good luck ring and my watch. Nah.

Watch? I used to buy a lot, but I dont really like it so much I will spend my last penny on them.
Clothes/shoes/bags? Which woman dont like? But I can make do with what I have.

Make up? Not really. I would rather go bare if I can, but alas, looks still do matter lor.

Photo taking? I like, but right now I feel fat and I feel I dont look good in pictures so I refrain from taking.

Food? Yes maybe this is what I like. But counted meh? Good food who dont like?

So, WHAT DO I REALLY LIKE? Can someone please tell me?

Next question: What do I want to do? I have been pondering over this question for a long long time. I still do not have the answer to that.

I told D: I am not the kind of person that will plan for my future.

He said: Just take one day as it comes?

I nodded my head.

I dont know what he thought of me then. Disorganized? Lost? Insecured? Maybe I am everything. Everyone has a goal in life. What is mine?

*Thinks really hard*

I will tell you when I find out.

Phuket Trip Photos

Finally! I managed to upload most of my pictures. I tried 3 times. First 2 times, Blooger hanged on me when I was halfway through. At last on my third attempt, i succeeded! *Applaud me please*

Yesterday was a shitty day. Today was not much better. Hope tomorrow will be a better day for you, you, you, and me.

Enjoy the photos, though some of them not very well taken...

The Budget terminal

Our breakfast

My half boiled eggs

2nd sis' laksa

Walking to the departure gate
Arrived at Phuket Airport!

Walking out..

Arrived at the resort. My 8 yr old nephew Marc

My neice Kim and baby nephew Matt

Matt

All aboard! For city tour!

First stop of city tour - Elephant trekking

We saw these dogs playing

This dog was under the table most of the time.

Poor dog has cataract in of his eyes.

Mum and sis with baby elephant.

See how my mum cringe whenever the trunk comes near her?

Elephants queueing, ready for trekking. Sis and Matt setting off

BIL, Marc and Kim setting off

Mum was contented taking pictures with a fake elephant

Everyone looking at the baby elephant performing

Hula hoops!

You may not see it, but baby elephant is playing a harmonica! With its trunk!

Coming back from elephant trekking

Marc, indulging in his ice cream in a quiet corner

Next stop, Chalon Temple

A blur night view from the resort

While waiting for the transport to come pick us to the restaurant, I took some (blur) pictures

Beach view from the beach front restaurantOur food

Tiger prawns!Pepper crabs!Er... some other dishes!Getting ready for Khai islands!It poured the night before.

See how flooded the road is? I think it was about ankle deep..See Matt's expression? He was crooning away his '1 little, 2 little, 3 little Indians...'Our speedboats that will bring us to Khai Nok islandWaiting for everyone else to arriveWe were the Blue teamWaiting...

Our barang (part of it)Finally got on to our boat!We saw this really BIG lizard crawl from the beach to the rocks! It attracted alot of attention, and everyone made way for it to pass throughSee the lizard? See those 'shells' on the rocks? I cut myself on one of those rocks

when I was snorkelling. And I only gently touched the rock...Mum and Matt
Mum and KimMarc with his flippersMattKim and MattHappy Kim surrounded by the many fishesMum2nd sis and Marc, building sandcastlesTada!Back to the boat, heading back to the main station. This little gal (see the little arrow poitning) is cute! She offered us some bread to feed the fish (Actually we offered her first, then she 'returned' us) Sweet little gal kept talking to us in Jap, assuming that we can understand her. :-)

KimTired boy on boardEveryone is tired. We went to Patong for dinner that night

The restaurant we ate atThe crabs, lobsters, prawns, fish

Cost of the lobsterThe streetSee the BIG Iguana on the man's shoulder?The Ah Guas...The black dog we sawThe Masks that amazed the kidsThe massageTo Allamanda Beach!

Waiting for the ferry to come...

Eldest sis checking out first...My mum, 2nd sis and I ended our trip with a good massage

and dinner at this restaurant by the riverAfter we came back to Singapore, I went for Manicure! Slanted French with gold glitter!