I have been feeling a little empty recently... Yes that was the word used by Jenn not too long ago... Now I am feeling it myself... Is it bcos of loneliness? Bcos I just ended a relationship that no one (even myself) seemed to approve of? Bcos I hv no idea what I want in life? Dunno... Maybe..
Since young, I have been living in other people's shadow... I am always whose sister, whose cousin... never myself... My siblings have always performed well in school... always top 3 or at least top 5... Appointed monitress/monitors or prefects... I am nothing... Even in sports, I cant excel... Plus the fact that parents, you know how they always like to compare their kids... results, sports, hobbies, looks, health, everything... name it and they can tell you who who who did better.... I guess thats why I am always so painfully shy and reserved when I was younger.... Not that I want to be... But bcos I have nothing to be proud about...
As I grew up, I tend to open myself more... I cant remember what made me change... Maybe I just woke up one day and decided to heck care about the world and get on with my own life... I took up my degree course, wanting to widen my horizon... It did, I must say... It changed my point of view of many things... But alas, it also changed my whole life bcos thats where I met Jerk... That was my first real 'love'... Can it be called love? Or was it plain infatuation? One sided? Otherwise why would I feel that it has always been me who gave in, sacrificed, and made effort to make it work? Up to this day, I still feel that way. Maybe I tried too hard... I cannot put the blame totally on him... I admit that I am at fault too... For spoiling him too much... making him feel that it is ok to treat someone (me) the way he did... portraying the image that I can conjure momey from nowhere and just give it to him.... pretending that a life lost is nothing to me... Lucky for me, I have trained myself to be happy-go-lucky, optimistic... If not, I think i would have left this world long ago.... It made me stronger... Gave me higher resistance to being hurt...
I spent 5 precious years on him... Waking up only when it is a little too late... But its ok... Better late than never, they say (Now, who is the 'they'????) Its just that, when, when will I be able to meet that someone who will appreciate me, love me, care for me? I am looking real forward to meeting him (or it could be a 'her' hahahahahahhaha). Will I ever?
Am I wasting my time? Sometimes I feel I am... Should I be doing something more fulfilling, rather than sit and be pretty as a secretary here? I think I am not doing a good job, seriously... I have been taking it easy all these time... No wonder my boss is not too happy with me (Yes I can feel it) ... Do I really want to do this for the rest of my life? If not, what is it that I want???? I seriously dont know man.... Can someone help me answer this question!!!!?
In any case, I think I better buck up!!!! No matter what job it is, just give it my best shot, right? As long as I do my job well, my conscience is clear, I have nothing to be afraid of, right? Right!
Even now, it is not too late for me to start pulling my socks, appreciating life, pamper myself, pamper my mum, pamper my friends who love me for who I am... Yes I have started (not bucking up, but appreciating life and pampering myself hahahahaha).. I have signed up for a facial package (damn heartpain now) ... Bought several new pieces of clothings.... Signed up for yoga (and I dont think its sufficient... I am gonna sign up Amore... soon), brought my mum out a few times... Tho now she is richer than me, so she pays for most things.... Oh yes, my resolution is to clear all my debts by year end... (So maybe I shld stop spending now???) Hell.... why should I be paying all these??? Gimme back my money you jerk! Adding up the loans I lent you and the hp bills I paid for you over the 2 years (and thats after we broke up, not counting the years we were 'together'), You owe me a total of SGD10000. That is just a rough figure, but its ok... Just pay me back that!!!!
As if he will read this... sigh... Ok... I admit I have been a spendthrift (is that right??) and If I had been more disciplined, I would have cleared my debts long ago... But I am just not justified why I have to suffer in silence and pay the money I have not spent... So I keep spending to justify that point... Whats the point? Owing money is owing money... SOOOO... No more signing credit cards for me... No more pampering myself till I clear my debts (But I think I have covered myself enough... facial, manipedi, massage.... what else can I ask for? hahaha).... No more expensive restaurants....
Pls control me when you see the gleam in my eyes... That means I am ready to take out my wallet and start spending money again... You, yes you!!!! Cos you are probably the only one reading my blog... Ahahahahahaha.... You know who you are...
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